i have all the answers. i’m so lucky.

So I’m in therapy.

Reading that line back makes me chuckle. I’ve always known i was a little crazy, it’s about time i go to a professional.

When Larisa… (i still can’t write her name next to the word)… passed, i had a grand revelation and a fire was lit under my directionless hind-end (that’s southern for ass), and i decided that the answer for my life (since i got to choose) was to go back to school and get my masters in psychology. this made sense to me. this made more sense than anything else in my whole god-forsaken life (because yes, i’ve been feeling god-forsaken).

go to school, get a piece of paper giving you permission to tell other people how to fix their lives since all you’ve done for the past 20 years is work on fixing your own… yes. this was the answer. (so much chuckling today) so the first step toward this was to actually go to a psychologist, since the only counseling i have ever gotten has been a non-licensed, church based program, i thought this was research i needed to do.

let me give you a little hint. don’t go to a therapist unless you want your world turned upside down. just don’t.

i mean, of course the theory is that it will all get righted again, that your skin will be turned right-side-in and all the stuff that just bled out all over the floor will be cleaned and placed gently back inside (all in the right order) – but the process is nothing short of upheaval. — but this is ok with me i think.

i think i read somewhere that it is best to not make any big decisions for six months after a tragedy. so, ok. i’ll wait on the masters idea. i’ll let it simmer for 6 months and if at the end of this time of upheaval i still want to go back to school, i’ll make steps toward it then.

it’s hard to let myself just be where i am. it’s hard not being able to do anything to hurry the process of grief along. it feels like i’ve been here my whole life. for one reason or another, just grieving and grieving and that there is no promise it will ever end. so to say i’m just going to be here, in this process of grief and not try to claw my way out, is a hard thing.

point, sallie… make a point. ok. point is…

1. grief is hard
2. don’t try to claw your way out of grief
3. don’t go to therapy unless you want your hind-end kicked
4. go to therapy if you’re grieving
5. don’t make any big life changes within 6 months of tragedy (at least that’s what i hear)

see? i have all the answers. i’m so lucky.