Brave enough to be awake

Fall is coming, my friends… and with it the wistful hope of dying things. I dreamed about my sister last night… that we were at a family get together but I spent all my time doing other, stupid things and then realized as we were all getting in line for a big family picture, that I had missed my last chance to spend time with her and I would never see her again… sometimes dreams suck.

I dreamed the night before that Jesus was taking me around to place after place, showing me things, talking to me, explaining stuff I had never understood.  His dark face and beard, his hands pointing things out… everything about him was so human and real, and close. But when I woke up I couldn’t remember anything he said to me… Both dreams felt equally as real, so why couldn’t I remember the details of the mysteries of the universe being revealed to me instead of the really stupid, sad dream? I guess it’s the way of it.

I don’t like the struggle of limited perspective, but that’s what we have. We can only know things through our own eyes and ears, even if we are very practiced at listening with spirit as well, it’s still going to be limited.  It’s like living in a part-dream world… we know in part and the other parts are foggy or missing, like waking up and lying in bed knowing there was more to what you dreamed than you can recall. 

I love fall because it brings a certain clarity to the air. The blanket of humidity melts away and we are left with cool, breathable, delicious air that fills our lungs a little more completely. This clarity brings a sharper awareness. I want to be more aware, I want to see and hear more clearly, even if what I hear and see is hard to take. (I think this is often the case or we wouldn’t work so hard to numb and escape our realities.) Maybe I have been walking around half asleep for a while (I’m sure I have) but it’s easier to sleep than wake up and remember all the things your heart has dreamed and desired and to realize you don’t have it yet, or worse that it’s gone.

There are some dreams that we had that are out of reach — like the one I had that my sister and I would get past all our differences and be sisters in the truest sense of the word, grow old together and watch our children go on to have beautiful lives and children of their own… but she’s gone and I’m left to watch this world unfold without her. I got to see part of that dream become reality, and regardless of where she is, I will always have a sister, and I will always have the love we fought for…and we did have to fight for it.

Real relationship is hard, so hard that I see people every day choose otherwise. But if we will be brave and listen to what our hearts really want, then we will begin to believe that vulnerability and being honest with ourselves then saying it out loud to those we want in our lives is worth it. It is worth it. There were plenty of opportunities for my relationship with my sister to end, long ago. We could have written one another off and the last, precious years of our lives together would have been lost. I’m so thankful that we chose one another instead. I’m so happy that my dream of missing the chance to connect with her before she left this world was just sad, night-time processing and not reality.

Our perspective dictates how we see things, and ultimately dictates what sort of life we will have. Will we have full, genuine relationships with the people in our lives, or will we continue to choose otherwise because it’s too scary or painful to go after what we really want? I am struggling to say what I mean, a little bit like trying to put thoughts together after waking, but I feel I’m on the edge of something becoming clear, and if I will listen and wait, it will come to me. 

Being awake and present is hard sometimes, because reality can be sharp and unrelenting, but I feel the call of the cool, fall air, inviting me to wake up and be more aware, to start writing songs again and to see and hear with spirit and begin to remember the dreams in my heart, and push past the fear to go after them.

So until next time, my friends, let’s be brave and remember our dreams.