with each day that passes i remember a little more what it feels like to be me. to be alive instead of in some odd in-between state of consciousness. Leo Caspian had his 2 month appointment today – and i found out it wasn’t my imagination that he has a big head – it’s in the 97%!! hahaha…. it’s because he needs room for all his smarts. he’s happy and healthy and i’m so deeply happy i don’t really know if i could hold anymore happy in my heart. i even wrote a song this week. a kid’s song, go figure. 🙂
even though i’m feeling more like myself these days, i still feel this – hmmm, let’s call it vulnerability – tenderness if you will. i feel the need to keep my heart covered up and my emotions secured from outside forces that would snake their way in and destroy me. now, when i’m pregnant i am on hyper-alert protection mode. i guess it’s the mama bear in me protecting that little soul in my belly – but i don’t remember feeling that way still after the birth of my other two. of course, that really doesn’t mean much, since there’s so much i had forgotten… like this capacity for love. call it hormones, call it baby voodoo, call it what you will there is no love on earth like the love of a mother for her baby. i almost feel bad for how much i love him – because i hadn’t been loving on this level before I looked in his little smoky green/blue eyes… i said ALmost. i don’t know – i guess this is just what happens. the love for a newborn. but i don’t remember the joy… this deep… deeper than deep joy that has surged through me – relentlessly making me happy. i don’t remember being this happy when my other babies were babies… Elijah says it’s because i was in a darker place in my life then. i guess he’d remember better than me. i have had a tendency to see everything in my past on the darker side and have had trouble remembering happy, warm memories. I shouldn’t question it, i suppose. i should just drink it in…
the truth is – i have journeyed a thousand desert miles, barefoot, over glass, in the heat of a continual searing mid-day sun… (dramatic enough for ya?) and i survived. i won’t neglect to mention here that it was sincerely the grace of God Almighty, who created the heavens and the earth, poured out on me that kept me breathing in some of those most blinding moments. but he did keep me – and he taught me – and changed my perspective – and now i am doing more than just surviving. i think i just survived for years. and this is what it feels like to be alive.
i think it’s in great part to this position i have at CityChurch. when you are using the gifts and walking out the callings on your life, you do feel alive. i’m so over the moon excited about what God’s doing with us. I love seeing hearts changed and set free… talk about life. whatdaya know, i might just write some songs about it 🙂