welcome to this world

a friend of mine told me i should start a blog. she said no one had anything to say that she was interested in, and i wrote interesting things… i do after-all want to be a writer… or am a writer. i guess the problem comes in when you come down to the issue of honesty. if the world is gonna read it, can you really be honest, and if you’re not really honest is it worth reading?

Most of my life I have been afraid. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of big strange dogs. Afriad that if my family knew everything about me they wouldn’t love me anymore. Just afraid. And I’m tired of being afraid. I’m afraid my sister is gonna die. It pervades my thoughts day and night. It clouds and overshadows everything. My husband is outside in the yard with my children building a bonfire… we’re having a weenie roast tonight, hotdogs, smores, the works. But i really don’t care. I just want to cry instead. Isn’t that typical? Isn’t that just like us. Someone we love is diagnosed with a terminal illness and all we can do is sit around and cry instead of living every drop of life while we can with the ones we love.

A lot of years ago, back in the ages before I learned how to communicate effectively, we had a pretty devastating disagreement, but we always ultimately loved one another more than our opinions. So our love and relationship restored, we know how we feel about one another and she became my very best friend. Sickness and Death brought our relationship back to life. We got down to business with each other and began to really share our hearts when Grandma got cancer and then when I was struggling with going to Grandaddy’s funeral later that year. Again, a story for another day.

I love my sister. I dreamed she told me she was sick. 10 years ago I dreamed she had an advanced illness that I was unaware of till it was too late. We found out this past December, on my wedding anniversary, that my dream had come to pass. She’s dying. We’re all dying, but her body is eating itself – her bones are being eaten away by renegade cells and there’s nothing that can save her. She knew she had a mass in her side for at least a year. When they went in to take her kidney, the surgeon was sure it had reached her bones, and it had. We all just sat in the waiting room and stared. and wanted to throw up. Kind of like right now. I just sit and stare. and want to throw up.

God showed me a lot about reality on that trip to Cleveland, TN. I still hold onto what He told me. Once again… a story for another day.

I hear my family downstairs in the yard building benches together so we can sit and cook hotdogs and toast marshmallows over a fire. My daughter and my son, in his brand new shoes, are happily working away with their daddy. Summer is almost here.

I have found a new love for spring. I’ve never noticed before. I never really cared. Fall was always my favorite time. But the neon green baby leaves with the warm sun shining through, the flowering trees and bushes, the softness of the air – I think I have fallen in love with spring. I hope it’s not the last one I have with my sister on this earth. And that’s how my thoughts go.

I love her. I’ve always loved and admired her. But for the first time in our lives, she doesn’t have the answers. I have already lost my sister and my best friend as I knew her. She’s drawn away somewhere behind the curtain of fear and dread and I can’t find her. and i miss her.

welcome to this world, land of suffering. take your ticket stand in line for your chance to play this game.

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