Time to Run, Little One

Wanna know my problem? I’ll tell you. I have too many things I want to do. Too many dreams and plans and goals to put my attention on. I always have. And in moments of snarky confidence I say, So what? I’m just too good at too many things. And then go on with my life not really doing any of them.

And in my lowest moments I think everything is lost, I’ve missed my chance to make any of my dreams a reality. But then I pick one up again, dust it off and marvel at how beautiful my little fledgling dream is and I feel my heart expand and swell with hope.

My current goals/to do list is: to write books, continue to build my photography company, lead women support groups, do speaking engagements, walk with people through their healing through somatic trauma informed therapies and coaching, go to massage school (so I can do the healing work), make videos, a podcast, write songs, play my music and do shows and make an album (or 3), and somewhere in there make money to support all my dreams. I have a hella lot of dreams. They all take focus. And it seems like all the things take me in different directions. But really, they are all connected. 

I’ve been on my own for a year now. Didn’t know that? Mhm. I have. Big changes, necessary ones. I had to focus on my own healing and recovery, which is what I’ve been doing for the last 12 months, and now it’s time to start moving forward again. So I’m not in the mood to reflect at the end of this year. One that held both the biggest freedoms and biggest struggles of my life all at once. I’m ready to put one foot in front of the other and emerge from this safe little cocoon I built for myself – the place I’ve been resting so my heart, body, and mind could heal. And in the process of gathering myself to actively re-enter life, I remember all my dreams, the gifts I carry, and skill sets I’ve built over the past decades, and to my relief they are not lost, they were just at rest, like a pause in the music. 

We don’t get to have everything we want in life. There will always be road blocks and angry/difficult people throwing stones. But when you’re running, the road blocks become hurdles you easily soar over, and the stones miss you because you’re running so damn fast. It’s not about having everything you want, exactly how you want it to be. In every single aspect of life there is SOMEthing that won’t be how you wish it was. But we do get to have some things we want. We get to prioritize what is most important to us and run after that with all we have. And sometimes it’s a season of healing and transition we have to put everything we have into, finding a quiet safe space to recover and gather ourselves. It can be so uncomfortable, but we have to surrender to those seasons to be able to move forward wholeheartedly. 

But when the intensive care part of our healing does end, and it’s time to run, we gotta kick up our heels and go. All the self reflection, healing, and the resulting choices we make, turn us away from the things we don’t want in our lives anymore, (the relationships, involvements, and destructive cycles that cause pain and stops our growth) and points us in the direction we do want to go. Then when it’s time to get up and run, we are already facing the right way, and we can trust that every little step we make is taking us in that direction. So when we begin to run with all our might we don’t have to be afraid or keep looking behind us, we can set our faces forward, lean in, and fly.

I have found that trusting myself is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do coming out of the previous season of my life. Trusting that all the inner work I’ve done, all the healing, all the prayer for wisdom and God’s perspective, has cleared the way for me to not have to second guess every choice I make. I am learning to trust that I am running in the right direction, and that I don’t have to hold back or hesitate anymore. 

So the end of this year, for me, is not a time to slow down and reflect, but to push off the starting blocks and run with all my might toward the things I have been fighting for – for so long. So if you find yourself in a similar place, take heart – you’re not alone. Let’s run!