i started off this whole blog endeavor thinking i just wouldn’t tell anyone i was writing it… because i knew what would happen if anyone ever read it… i knew i would be afraid of what they would think. the ever ominous “They”… and sure enough i went back and hid my first post, i changed some lines in other ones and inevitably i read back over what i’ve written from the possible perspective of whoever might be offended, or pissed off or think i’m stupid or feels betrayed or uncovered – on and on and on – by what i’ve written… by what i think. because i had the nerve to say it. so i write pre-scanned, pre-edited versions of what i really think and it irritates me. i mean, if i’m not going to just be honest then what’s the point? well… some filters are good – and some walls are in place for a reason.
we don’t live independently in this life – not totally. the things we do and say effect and touch other lives, even if what we happen to be doing is NOT saying anything, we have to answer for that as well, because wether we wish it to be different or not, we aren’t islands, we don’t act alone, and it does matter what we say and do – and what we don’t say and do matters as well. so, we may as well just deal with this and move on.
i guess i’m preaching to myself here. i’ve lived a life in fear of being known… really known. i was afraid if i was known, i would certainly be rejected – those close to me would never stand for it. they would never be ok with me getting a tattoo or piercing my ears or drinking a glass of wine or marrying someone not hand picked by them. i was afraid that if they knew what was done to me at age 5 I would be marked and marred and disgusting, if they knew what i did when i was 20 i would destroy their love for me, and that even though i knew i’d go to hell for it i did it anyway because i so desperately wanted to be loved… i have lived in dread of the day they found out i wasn’t perfect – hahahaha – the joke was on me. — the truth is the things i’ve done – that’s not who I am. yet i still don’t believe that on some base level. because the things i listed here – those things aren’t who I am… they are things I’ve done. and Jesus doesn’t give a rat’s butt about what i’ve done. isn’t that the point of salvation? it removes the sin, (the stuff I’ve done) so who I really am can come out? and the things I do that others consider sin and I don’t, well, i just have to be ok with the fact, once again, that it doesn’t change Who I am. and if i am not approved of by all the people in my life, um… well let’s just take a moment to really let the hilarity of the impossibility of that statement sink in –
my sister has cancer and may not live through the year… then again, she could live for 10 or 20 more or be completely healed and die at the ripe old age of 120 – or be in a car wreck on the way to Virginia and die tomorrow… and still, still i sit here with my heart wrapped up tenderly in this cruel cellophane peering out at her unable to just reach beyond my fear of being rejected and throw my arms around her and tell her the truth. and speak the truth over her. because i think her husband will scoff in my face and ridicule me for being naive and pitifully ignorant and base, and maybe when i reach out my arms my tattoo will show and my mother will be devastated and it will all be lost on her and i will have thrown a stumbling block under her feet causing her to shatter when she hits the ground. (wow, i sure do think i’m powerful…)
i feel like throwing up because i know i’m being called into a deeper place. i know that the One who has nothing but love and mercy and life for me is calling me into a place where i can be made more useful – into another level of Self UNawareness… you see, the flaw in my thinking is how centered on me it all still is. still. not surprising. it’s been my favorite topic for 36 years. me, me and more things pertaining to me and how I am seen and how I feel and how I impact and what I cause to be… oh my God i’m sick of it. of the sniveling, whining, pathetic excuses for not just BEING who I am made to be, speaking out what I’m called to speak, shutting my mouth instead of waving my own flag and through that re-directing of all that extravagant attention, point to the ONE who actually can handle the attention. the ONE who deserves the focus and as a by-product of focusing His direction ALL of us being transformed.
i’m just being honest.
So, although i know You’re already giving it – More grace, Lord – give us more grace to JUST BE who You created us to be. Give us the discernment to stand up and speak when it’s appropriate and when we need to just hold our peace, pour out more grace for that as well. Because we – because I am afraid i’m fucking it all up. and the fact that me saying that doesn’t scare You makes me love You even more. break me out of this prison concerning those i love most – help me believe that what You say about me is what counts and help me stop hiding my face for fear of disapproval… honestly i’m baffled that i’m still in this place. but i guess there’s always another level deeper to go… go ahead – take me where you want. i’ll go… and please – heal my sister.