dreaming

i am dreaming again. funny how i had stopped. my heart is daring to wonder, daring to believe, daring to hope that all the preparation I’ve had, all the trials by fire I’ve walked through, all the tears and kicking and screaming, have all been a fruitful part of the journey that has led me here. I hope. and i’m not afraid to say it. I’ve been waiting for the doors to open for me that closed three years ago… for a while it seemed there was a crack, but it never opened enough for me to come all the way through, so i had to stay still and keep waiting. The Lord put me in the place to experience Him on a corporate level in the safety and comfort of people who were not afraid of what is in me. Heck, I’m not afraid of what’s in me anymore. I know my Father put it there. I know there is a resounding promise and Power that moves in me – I know He wants to pour Himself out through me. I know I’m not messed up, or “too much” or broken. I am not broken, not any more. not by my past, not by leadership that never trusted me, not broken by fear. I am not broken. My identity does not exist wrapped in the cocoon of the things I can do, or my voice, or my giftings, or my children or my job… I am a daughter of God, and that’s the place everything flows out of. and as a daughter I am not broken, I am not feeble, I am not afraid, I am not cast down. I am healed. I am whole. I have purpose in Him and even if I never led worship another day of my life, even if i never took another photograph or if i was suddenly separated from my family and my home, I am whole – and I have purpose – and Life lives in me.

What a thing to be able to say. What a glorious place to live. What a relief to know that if my style of worshiping isn’t wanted in a place that it doesn’t mean something is wrong with ME. What a relief to finally believe that.

My Daddy in Heaven (I mean God 😉 told me for 5 years – FIVE years while I struggled to fit into the mold of the church I was leading at – i don’t even think I can call it leading – you have to be given permission to lead by the leadership over you, and I never was released to actually do what I was being told to do – (it’s a good thing to understand) anyway, Abba told me for 5 years these 5 sentences…

• I AM THE ONE
• I AM THE ONE WHO RAISES YOU UP
• I AM THE ONE WHO SETS YOU IN LOW PLACES
• I AM THE ONE
• I AM THE ONE

and then He would proceed to remind me of all the people in my life that were NOT the One who raised me up. He told me over and over. the pentacle of  my understanding what He was saying to me was when I realized that I was in fact NOT the One either. I was not the One to raise myself up, nor take myself out of the race. It took me being asked to leave my position at that church for me to really get it. No leadership at any church or organization has any real Power over me – they don’t have the authority to strip me of the calling God placed in me, on me, the calling He will use to move through me. No One. He raises me up, He sets me down low and utterly crushes me if need be, which everyone needs a little crushing now and then. and i can’t credit nor blame those over me for the crushing He (by His mercy) puts me through. I walked out of those black years of being set down Low with new sight. He told me He was going to change my perspective. and by Jove He did. Nothing looks the same anymore. Nothing IS the same. He delivered me from fear, He established me in Him and I just can’t see things the way I used to. I can’t stay in dysfunctional relationships like I used to. I can’t run away and hide like I used to.

The prophetic circles say that 5 is the number of grace. I’ve been given all kinds of words about things in groups of 5. Five keys, five ripples in the water, 5 crowns on a tray, 5 years of intense impartation and struggle, 5 I AM THE ONE sentences over 5 years – and if this is the door that God is opening for me – the 5th church I will worship with. Five. Grace.

So yes. I am dreaming again. I am allowing myself to. My heart is opening up – I feel it – expanding inside my chest – till the inside is bigger than the whole universe. I’ve seen it before… it’s pretty awesome. 🙂

Dear God, your will is being done in my life – I believe that is true. thank you that you are the One, and that I don’t have to be afraid that anyone else has that authority over my life. thank you for putting your Son’s authority in me, thank you for pouring out of me. thank you for grace and for dreams that come straight out of your heart into mine.

amen.