oh. i forgot. i simply forgot. if it’s possible, i forgot how good God is. yes. it’s totally possible. because i did it. back in december i knew with every fiber of my being – i could feel His revelation surging through my body, my mind… my spirit. i knew it was Him that accomplished – hahhaa, no now that i think of it, even in December He had to remind me that it wasn’t me that died to bring Life, but Him. He did that.
December 15, 2010 – on the anniversary of my wedding day, i stood at the foot of the bed my sister laid on. she had been prepped for surgery to remove her kidney and the mass that had engulfed it and i stood there staring at her while the doctor had a few final words with my mom and brother in law before her took her in. i have no idea what he said. all i could hear was the pleading in my own heart – crying out, “why, God?? why couldn’t it have been me.” everything in me ached to take her place – to be the one on that table about to go into surgery. I heard nothing. The doctor said it was time to go out to the waiting room and i walked back over to my sister and bent down, kissing her forehead – all but her face completely covered in blankets. she looked up at me, eyes glazed over from the medication and said, “well, i guess this is how we’re gonna do this.” i said, “you’re surrounded, you know that, right?” she just looked at me and blinked hard against the anesthesia already starting to take effect. i knew He was with us, with the surgeons, with my sister – I knew we were all in His hands and i knew angels filled the room and the hallway and the waiting room – basically wherever we were… still i had no way of processing just what i was feeling in that moment. and we walked out. i found a quiet place alone – the instant i was quiet, I heard that familiar voice deep in my spirit – Sallie. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for her. I already did that. I already died in her place. – and i said out loud – oh yeah! right. that’s right. you did! – how could i have forgotten? but i did.
in that moment, the images He had been dropping in my spirit since the drive to Cleveland the day before, began coming together. two realities. one i can touch, see, taste, smell, hear – a place where what i sense with my body tells me what reality is. i know what is real because i see it is real. i can hear it, touch it, taste it, smell it. the other reality is where my Father says what is true. only – i can’t see it and i can’t hear Him except through my spirit. However what He tells me is True what HE says is reality, trumps anything i can perceive in this physical one. so in that moment of quiet – when He reminded me, uh, Sal, don’t go thinking you’re the Savior of the world or anything, I already did that – The whole picture came together for me and I saw Jesus as the bridge between those two realities. He is the way the Truth is brought into this place of sensing. We agree with the Father – with what He says about our situation, then through Jesus’s death and resurrection we have authority to speak those things – agreeing with Daddy – and bring it into this physical reality, which has no choice but to bow – Spirit trumps physical every time.
it’s late and i have to sleep. i have more to say on this.. but for now i just wanted to say i remembered – i remembered that He is good and He is the One… I was set free from false responsibility tonight… again… i suppose i’ll be set free from it again at some point in the future because i’ll probably forget again somewhere down the road. but tonight, in this moment, i remember and i’m proclaiming – Jesus, You are the One that saves us from death and the grave. You are the one who brings Resurrection Life and You are the way it comes to this world. Jesus, you already died for the cancer in my sister’s body – and that means her healing has been accomplished. I won’t wait on what i see with my eyes to proclaim that. Thank you for that reminder. again. now i can go to sleep 🙂